A Father’s Day Observance
One Mom’s window into Fatherhood
We tend to use lots of clichés and stereotypical imagery when we talk about fathers. I think we do this much more than about mothers, actually.
Think about how dads are portrayed on TV when it comes to how their children relate to them. He’s the guy at the door being a tad too overbearing toward the skinny kid waiting for his daughter to come downstairs before the prom — allowing his princess to be escorted out the door but not without giving the obligatory I-know-how-to-find you stink eye first. He’s the coach who’s just a little more tough on his own son than everyone else’s but you’re not worried because you know that toward the end of the episode that poignant ‘I always knew you had it in you I’m so proud’ moment is waiting in a neat package.
Dig down into those tv programs you grew up watching and it’s hard not to notice that Dads are often a funny side character, while the real emotional work and connections in the story are happening elsewhere. It isn’t always true, I know, but again I’m focused on the stereotypical dad representation here.
The “good” dads are helpers — fixing broken bikes, cars, toilets, but usually not hearts. That deeper territory more often belongs to moms, and it casts our fathers into that jolly or grumpy but always reliable handyman role that offers comic relief or sometimes the warm nostalgia for childhood we need to be reminded of as part of the plot.
It’s everywhere: tv, movies, commercials, memes and all over the greeting cards, t- shirts and mugs we buy these same guys to celebrate them on Father’s Day. Maybe your dad is the playing catch dad, the fishing dad, the showing you how to change a tire dad. Maybe he’s the walk me down the aisle dad, the snoring loudly in front of the news dad, mowing dad, excited over his new chainsaw dad.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with those depictions. Most of them include some expression of admiration, gratefulness or love, and I’m not here commenting on this to diminish any of that. But if I reflect on what fatherhood is supposed to mean I think it misses the mark quite a bit.
I’m not a father, but I have one and I’m married to one and he has a Dad I’ve now known most of my life, and I can’t help but feel that these Dads, along with all the other dads, are getting shortchanged when it comes to character progression and development. The real guys are much more nuanced and complex. They have feelings to be revealed beyond the glimpse of misty eyes at the son’s graduation ceremony, quickly followed by the gruff throat-clearing and change of subject required by socially acceptable norms of masculinity.
I have watched these guys pretty closely, particularly the father of my children, and if I can pinpoint the skill I think a man needs to be a good father, it’d have nothing to do with baseball gloves, bravado or Bondo.
Its growth.
Did you grow up yourself while you were growing little people into adults?
Did you allow yourself to be intellectually and emotionally challenged by your kids as they became sentient beings beyond the snotty poop machines you were slightly afraid of when they were born?
When those cuddly little food processers forced you to consider a world outside of your own experience that didn’t feel so comfortable, or that once you wouldn’t have accepted, did you keep an open mind? I chose the word when, not if, because if there is a parent who hasn’t been challenged this way by their children, I’ve yet to meet them.
What about when they made decisions or had opinions or lived out a path you didn’t understand, wouldn’t have chosen for them or couldn’t relate to? When they needed you to really see them as individuals separate from yourself, could you?
If the answer is yes, that’s pretty cool and nice job, but don’t settle in for a well-earned Father’s Day nap just yet. Why? Well, because growth isn’t only about appreciating your kids aren’t you, accepting their differences and going on just as you’ve always been. Love demands more.
The next level requires self-examination — asking yourself who you are now in light of this new information those kids put in your road. This isn’t to say that we can’t keep our own beliefs intact if our children don’t agree. Maybe after you’ve listened, considered, pondered and made an effort to learn more about something that they challenged you with, you still find your view unchanged and that’s ok. Your opinion or value might not be different, but you are different just from the experience. There is no opportunity for growth without the listening and much of the work is in the willingness.
There’s a lot of pushing back in our world of late and frankly a lot of anger from folks who view change as the enemy of a life they felt more comfortable in. But just like the typecasting our dads have collectively been subjected to, our glossy depictions of who we were or what made us great was never the whole picture. And like those TV dads, if we dig a little deeper, the complexity of this life requires so much more of us. Again, the growth and opportunity lie in the willingness.
I would bet most guys get handed their baby and they think they have an understanding about how their life is going to change. Perhaps their thoughts are full of the baseball mitts, tea parties and bike rides and skinned knees ahead, not realizing that the most significant change in their future won’t be about what they do with their child, or for them, at all. Its really about who they can grow to be because of them.
My husband is now coming up on 30 years of fatherhood this August and you would think at this point the training wheels would be ready to come off. Neither of us are perfect parents. But from my vantage point, the best part of the whole experience is watching him realize that evolving as a person because of his kids isn’t finished and never will be. And, that Charlie Brown, is what Father’s Day is all about.
